Well, my weekend is coming to an end. I must say I haven’t gotten a lot done this weekend to prepare for my week. I went out on Friday night for my birthday. Saturday I slept on and off and today I have done nothing but lay around and watch TV. I would love to say I am looking forward to going to work, but I can’t. I have to go there because I have to support my family but other than that I would rather hook. LOL J/K…. Anyway, unfortunately, I have no choice. I don’t exactly have jobs knocking down my door.
I am having such negative self talk right now. I hate myself. I am calling myself such horrible names. I mean if someone treated me the way I treat myself I would be pissed. I would not stand for it. I know the biggest reason I am having toxic thoughts is because my body is filled with toxic things. Processed foods, refined sugars and just a couple of days ago, enough alcohol to kill a person. I am going to get back on track starting tomorrow morning. I know it will take a few days and I will feel better. By Wednesday night my mind will be a lot quieter and a lot nicer. It’s a vicious cycle. I am honestly sick of the constant battle of the bulge that I am ultimately failing miserably at. Shit I am lucky I am only as fat as I am. It is so sickening. As much as I would love to give up, I know I can’t. I know I have the potential to put on 50 pounds in as little as three months.
It is so hard to see so many people around me getting the weight loss surgery done. Something I cannot do, and if I could I don’t think I would do it anyway. It kind of feels like I am going to be the only fat person left on the planet. Everyone else will get skinny in three months and I will be fat forever. It is kind of depressing.