As hard as I try to stay positive it becomes increasingly more difficult due to the negativity that surrounds me. For the past six weeks the lead secretary has been on leave because she had surgery and it has been so easy to stay positive because I was the only one in the office. Well, aside from the salesman, drivers, and the bosses comings and goings. It has been such a wonderful time. Until Friday, that is. She is back to work “full-time” and the negativity and drama started the evening before over the phone. She is what Bishop T.D. Jakes likes to call a pint person. She does not have the capacity to let things go, and makes more out of something than it should be. I used to really dislike her, but decided long before she left for surgery that she was a broken, sad person that deserves my friendship and understanding, and as I still feel that way I also wonder if I can handle the constant anger and discontent she brings into the room. I am trying to live my life in a better way. I am trying to be more accepting of people as well as myself, but now I wonder if I was only able to feel real joy because the meanness was removed for a short time. I mean, I know that every day has a lesson and I am sure this is one of those, but how do I know if this lesson is that I am supposed to stick out, OR, is this a lesson that I should move on to find something more positive in my life.
I know that there is already a plan laid out for me and I am suppose to go with the flow, and so far my flow has me going to a job that makes me feel as though I am in an abusive relationship. One day I am important and treated with respect and kindness and the next I am under the bus with tire marks on my face. Friday she put in her notice. I was actually relieved to know that maybe my time has come. That maybe I would get the chance to let the company see what I could really do, but unfortunately when I inquired about taking over her position I was told it was too difficult. Which made me feel worthless yet again. I don’t understand. They don’t know what I can do. I have a college education and fifteen years experience running retail businesses, but yet I am not smart enough to do her job. That hurt! Now, I don’t want that position whether she stays or she goes. They can find someone else to do it. I’ll continue to do the grunt work and be happy. I am pretty sure this whole “quitting” thing was just another way of getting attention anyway.
God, I know you have a plan for me and I trust that whatever it is it will be perfect for me. As I have said before, I truly believe my life has more to offer than being a secretary at a beer distributor. I thank you for guiding my steps and I will go without question. I only want to be happy. Whatever it is I am suppose to be doing, as long as I am happy, that is all that matters.