So, this morning while I am having my coffee, I began to think again about forgiving myself and the people who wronged me when it recurred to me that it is actually really easy for me to forgive people, but I don’t trust easily. I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not. However, I have always been this way. I rarely let people in. I don’t share my personal life with very many people. Actually I don’t share my personal life with anyone.
Me and my bestie toasting for the camera
I don’t have a bestie to share things with. I have my husband and he is absolutely my best friend. He knows everything there is to know about me. We have been together twenty-two years. We have been through so much together. We have raised three very respectful boys, and we have been on adventure after adventure together. If I were asked who in the world I would want to spend the day with I would pick Roger. After twenty-two years of marriage, I still get excited when I know he is coming home. He is not perfect and he gets on my nerves, but I have no doubt that I get on his as well. We just choose to look past the petty stuff and focus on the good.
We live in a small apartment, living week to week, but I truly believe that I am living the dream. I am, for the most part, exceedingly happy. I consider myself blessed. I may not have a lot of people in my life that I share things with, but I do have one person that I can totally and completely count on. I guess that is enough!
I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on my life, lately. I have made a lot of mistakes, and have wronged people in my life, but I feel, now that I am a good, kind, caring person. Where once, I made decisions primarily for my own gratification, I now make my decisions on how my actions will affect someone else. I really don’t want to do anything to cause anyone pain. Being a forgiving person is the only way to find true happiness. I forgive myself for the things I have done and I forgive others as well. I mean if someone hurts me over and over I would definitely remove them from my life. As Bishop T.D. Jakes said “if someone stomps on your foot over and over you are going to pull your foot away.”
I would prefer to be the type of person that helps to build someone up, rather than tear them down.
When I am no longer on this earth and I am spoken of I would like to bring a smile the faces of those who knew me.
I am finding myself a little down right now. I guess we all have things happen to us that make us question everything in our lives. I know that every situation is a lesson and that forcing it to go one way or another is not the way. I know that I have to let it all play out the way it should. I know that God has my back. I know that he revolves “my” world perfectly for me. I have learned so much about me in the past nine months or so. After pulling myself out of a deep dark place of hopelessness has changed my entire out look on my life. I used to believe that I was not worthy of God’s love or any other as far as that goes.
Now I find myself sad again, but it is different. It is okay and I know it will pass. I know that we are supposed to feel sad so we can be thankful for the joyful times. That’s what my son, Anthony, so wisely tells me. 🙂 He, who councils me in my time of need.
Anyway, now the reason I am blogging. Often times when I get down my mind will attack me. It will turn ultra negative in a heart beat. If I don’t consciously change it, I will certainly end up back in that dark place. I do not ever again, want to feel so alone in the midst of my own family. I have to remember to live in the NOW. Blogging is like therapy to me. It helps me sort out my feelings and to better organize my thoughts. I have one of those run away minds. One that needs monitoring.
I feel so much better already 🙂 It’s funny how just reiterating the things I know are to be true, takes the weight off.
It’s funny how once I relinquished control of my daily life to God and his greater plan it seems that things are revolving much easier. It almost seems as though my world revolves specifically for me.
Last week we found out that the car we purchased less than a year ago could not be inspected and that we would have to junk it. Now, I could have been the old me and lost my mind, cried and tried to force something to happen that wasn’t part of my plan, but I did not. I didn’t give it any emotion at all. Even when telling my sister about it, she immediately got excited and asked me what I was going to do. I chuckled and replied to her that I would be doing nothing about it. That I knew that God had a plan and that it would work out without and help from me. And that it did. By the end of the week we found a car within our price range, from a reputable dealership. This dealership went above and beyond for me. Even coming to my work so I could sign the paper work so I wouldn’t have to take time away from my work.
It is so freeing to live life this way. I don’t have to waste time with unnecessary worry. I don’t have to force things to happen as they seem to happen just perfectly for me. This doesn’t mean I wont encounter problems in my life. It just means that if I don’t force the outcome that I expect to happen that it will resolve itself with a lot less effort on my part.
So happy! I only wish I could make others adopt this idea. It makes life so much easier and a whole lot more enjoyable. 🙂