So, operation get happy is underway. I am actually on day two and feel so much better already. I swear there has to be some kind of chemical in balance that happens when I eat foods that are unhealthy. Specifically foods high in sugar, sodium and perservatives. I don’t exactly understand it but when I eat these types of foods I am followed by negative self talk and zero energy. It is apparent after only one day that I am on the mend. I was able to get up this morning without feeling like poo and was able to clean the kitchen and prepare meals for the day that would keep me on track.
Here is the problem. If I am to equate eating healthy with losing weight or just “being” healthy I know that it will be short-lived. So now I am trying to make myself understand that I am simply eating right for my mental health. Which is so important to me because I hate it when I am a miserable biotch. Seriously, I love to smile laugh and be silly, and lets face it after eating processed foods I am a mess. Everyone around me has to deal with my bad attitude and literal disdain for life.
Unfortunately I am still a work-in-progress and am as much of a mystery to myself as I am to others 🙂 One of these days I hope to actually “get me” LOL
I cannot even explain how eating foods full of sugar and preservatives will cause me to have toxic , negative self talk. I mean here is the deal. Being thin and being healthy are just not enough of a motivation to eat healthy. I have a lot of confidence so changing the way I look just doesn’t seem to matter much to me. I think this is why I am unable to stick to eating healthy and working out. I don’t feel like I have to impress anyone. I am just me. However, you would think I would want to be healthy and live a long-lasting life, but obviously that isn’t motivation enough to get it together.
I have been thanking God for giving me the drive and the want to eat healthy. I mean if I don’t do it to be healthy and I don’t do it to be thing, what is there? Then it occurred to me how happy I was when I was eating properly. I had a clearer mind and I could put a positive spin on just about anything. AND the cravings for the unhealthy foods were gone. It was amazing and completely freeing. I want that feeling back. I was enjoying my life. There were days that I was so happy I felt like I was flying through each day letting them unfold especially for me. Not in my way or the way I expected but just perfectly for me. I didn’t have to do anything but wait for things to turn around in my favor. I have to believe that my positive attitude was the reason things were going so smoothly. So, could it be, then? That eating clean could possible be what helps me to achieve real happiness?
Well, I successfully made it through the family reunion. I feel like the only person that feels completely out-of-place with my family. I feel like they don’t know me. They know the old me, and in their mind that is STILL who I am. Not that I was ever a bad person or anything. It just seems that family chooses to point out the most embarrassing times in life. I kind of feel like these are all people I used to know. Ninety percent of the people there, I hadn’t talked to in many years. I feel inadequate in their presence. Thankfully this will probably be the last time everyone will get together. Unfortunately, my mother is the glue that holds us all together and she is turning 80 in January. I cannot imagine an earth without her.
I guess I really needed to get this off my chest. It’s not like I can talk to anyone in the family about it. They would just think I am being over dramatic. That’s why I blog. I can spill my guts here on the great world-wide web and become a needle in a hay stack. LOL Anyway for those of you who do read. I truly appreciate you being a part of my therapy process.
So, in two weeks we are having a family reunion in honor of my mom. She is going to be eighty in January. She is the glue that holds this family together. We have plenty of family members that are a little off (in my opinion). They have no problem picking and choosing which family members they will disregard this year. They disowned me about three years ago because I stuck up for their mother (my sister) when they wanted her out of their life for the silliest reasons. I mean we all make mistakes in our lives. We all do things we regret. Things we seek forgiveness for.
I must admit I am having some anxiety about spending a full day in the presence of people who have made a conscious decision to throw me away for simply writing a letter explaining why it is best to forgive and love their mother rather than carry around hate and discontent. They took in a completely vicious manor and wrote me a letter telling me they hope I have a good life and they will think of me often but as far as family goes, we are no longer that. I have forgiven them for throwing me away and I have forgiven myself for hurting them. Which is normally not a problem in my daily life but knowing they will be here is two short weeks makes me feel like I need to find a way out. Of course there is no way out because not showing up for the party would be way worse than going and feeling uncomfortable for twelve hours.
On that note, I guess I will go finish getting ready for work and leave it in God’s hands.