It’s funny that after forty-five years of life I have found that relying on willpower alone will get me nowhere. I used to wonder why I didn’t have willpower. I felt like I was just a weak human being. I would start out strong and eventually petered out very early on. There have been times where I would lose sixty to eighty pounds, only to gain it back plus some. Even though I knew that there would come a day that I would be able to get this under control there were times when logic would tell me that maybe this was my cross to bear. Fortunately for me, I was not going to except that. I knew there had to be something more.
In those times where I would give up and return to my old habits I would feel even more doomed to live a life of morbid obesity, and probably die young because of it. However, I have always had this “knowing” I would not be able to fulfill my purpose with this “monkey” on my back, that I had to finish this to completion. It was clouding my thoughts, and causing anxiety. It wasn’t until I discovered that willpower alone is not what I needed at all. That willpower would never withstand the test of time.
Over the past few months I have learned how to stay within the present moment. How to love me unconditionally. How to be kind to myself and go with the “flow” of my life. It was not that I didn’t know how to eat healthy. Being that I have had this problem my entire life I have read and researched every diet known to man and have tried most of them as well, only to find out that eating clean and moving my body was the only way. The “normal” way. Even though I was fully aware of what I needed to do it was just to hard. It was like pulling teeth to make it through day three. I would eventually fail and feel even worse and even more out of control than before. It was a spiral of despair. Let me give you a heads up. If it takes will then you have not let go of old thought patterns and old hurt feelings associated with whatever it is you are facing. I have found that writing is the best way possible to organize my thoughts. It is my daily dose of therapy.
Now, for me, it is as easy as breathing. I have learned how to stay present and positive. It cannot be a struggle. It has to feel natural, and it must always come from love. The best thing about finding such pure happiness is the urge to pay it forward. I have a compulsion to raise people up where before in my miserable state of mind I couldn’t have cared less. I have always asked God to find me a position to be nice to people. Now I know that I am in a position to be nice to people. All I have to do is find a kind word, or share a smile, lend a hand or an ear. Sometimes the simplest things can mean the most.