Yesterday it occurred to me that maybe I should delve into why weighing myself is such a problem. Why I was unable to get my weight under control until I removed the element of weight from the equation completely. This has all come about because we are quickly approaching winter time here in upstate New York, which means I am no longer going to be able to take the walks that I have come to enjoy so much. The frigid temperatures will simply not allow me to get outside and enjoy nature like I have this past summer, so I am considering other options such as joining Curves.
I am aware that if I do this I will have to be weighed and measured every month. The thought of doing this scares me to death. I mean I have only weighed myself one time in the past ten months and it was a pretty traumatic experience. Even though I lost nearly a hundred pounds, just knowing my weight changed my minds-set from one of being healthy to being obsessive about losing more. I began to feel the struggle I have felt so many times in my weight-loss efforts throughout my life. I would love nothing more than to overcome this, but how?
Then it became clear to me that I have to figure out why I do this. I know that being self-aware is key to living a content and peacefully, so I am about to embark on a journey that I am sure will be an emotional one. It’s time to go there. I have had to make peace with so many things to get where I am today, however I suppose there is one more aspect of my life I need to make peace with.
This morning before mediation I asked for some insight into why I have such heavy blocks in this area. Why weighing myself causes me so much distress. What is the association to it in my life and what can I do to put it all behind me. Then I meditated with the intention of doing a direct writing when I finished. For those of you who have never heard of direct writing it is simply journal writing addressing yourself by name and allowing the words to flow without judgement for forethought. It is the continuous method of writing without thinking until the words stop. Below is what I received.
Michele, the reason you have this block against weighing yourself is because all throughout your childhood there was so much focus on your weight. You were bribed to lose it and didn’t. You were belittle because of it and couldn’t change it. You were taunted by people who were suppose to love you and accept you for who you were and they failed you. They allowed their own demons to become yours. You have to realize that you are no longer that little girl. You are a strong woman with a whole new set of tools to make the changes in your life that need to be made.
It’s not about weight on one hand, but on the other it is very much about weight. You cannot live a healthy life carrying around extra weight, it is simply not the way. In order to become healthy you have to get to a healthy weight that is ideal for you. You do not have to do it over night and it doesn’t have to be an obsession. It doesn’t have to be anything you have to even think about. It is about improving your quality of life and you do that one pound at a time. It is as simple as that. If you lose one pound a month you are on the road to a healthy life. You are healthy. You have gone from two hundred and ninety-seven pounds to two hundred in ten months and the journey has been exhilarating.
Why worry about what you weigh and what you lose now? These are just numbers. Maybe you should give it a shot and try this. Maybe you should throw caution to the wind and allow what happens to happen. You are a different person now. You know that you are able to accept things for what they are and you are able to detach yourself from the outcome by simply being conscious. It’s time to enter a new phase in your life and move forward. You do not need to celebrate the loss of weight because you have nothing to prove any longer. You are simply enjoying the doing. You are simply enjoying life and allowing what is to be what is.
Finally, you must have compassion for the people in your life that have failed you as they were actually trying to save you from the hell they, themselves, were living. They were not trying to hurt you. They were trying to help you.
So, there I have it. I am only thirty minutes from going to Curves to talk about becoming a member. I will express my feelings on this whole weighing and measure thing and if I have to do it, I will. If it causes me undue stress I will not continue with it. Thankfully, I have a thirty-day free of charge membership card, so I wont be locked into something for a year without first giving it that good old college try. I will be sure to report how this affects me. I am more than ready to tackle this demon my inner child is holding on to.