It’s morning once again. I am sitting here and still not feeling my blissful self. It’s been such a long time since I have felt it. I don’t know what is happening. All I can conclude is that it’s the long harsh winter coupled with PMS, at this point. All I know is I don’t like it. I don’t know how to get through it. I am trying to be positive but while I sleep my brain is affirming negative thoughts. I wake slightly to hear them being recited in my mind.
Where are you God? Where are you Gabriel? I need you both, but I don’t feel your presence. I need guidance. I haven’t felt this bad and this alone since before, when I was so unhealthy and so large I was unable to move. I am sure this will pass because I know that old adage “this to shall pass” to be true. In fact I saw this very quote on a friends Facebook page, yesterday. Maybe, just maybe, this was a message from one of you. One of my spirit guides or perhaps, God.
It makes my days so long. I want to be no where but locked up in my room. I want to talk to no one. I am hanging on, I want to feel my moment in the sun. I am hanging on for that moment that I once again feel bliss well up from my solar plexus as it has so many times before. It is so unpleasant to feel this way. Not only is it hurtful to myself but it is also hurtful to those that love me. They have to deal with me in this state, and it is not fair. I feel like a burden. I feel as though it is better to lock myself away, to spare their feelings. However, I also feel like locking myself away spares nothing for them and everything for me, hence the selfishness.
I am depressed. I can see it now. It is now my mission to figure out how to break free of it. I have been depressed before, many times. I never tried to break free, I only allowed it to carry me away. Often times I would simply go with it until it got so bad that I was shocked to awaken from it. I am no longer that weak little girl who allows her emotions to rule her. I am stronger now. I have learned that my thoughts do not control me, that I control my thoughts. It is time now to step away from the negativity and move toward the positive.
I have the self-awareness now to take responsibility for my own happiness. I can no longer allow this to go on. Today is the day I make the change. I am not going to feed into my depression. I am stronger than that. I saw a post yesterday that said “life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”. Well it’s time to get over myself and start reacting in a more constructive way. It’s time I take back my own power. It’s time be conscious. It’s time to stand up and be present in my own life.
Here’s to a turning point. I will claw my way back to the top. I will make it. I will succeed.