This week I did something I didn’t think I would ever do. I called and made my first appointment of many to look into getting the weight-loss surgery. I said I would never do it but since losing a hundred pounds last year, I have had a change of heart. Once again I made it to 199 pounds and am slowly creeping back the other way. It’s not that I dislike myself. On the contrary, it’s that I love myself and I know that in order to be truly healthy I have to get to a healthy weight.
I don’t know if I will go through with it or if I am even a candidate at this point, but I am going to take the time to look into it. I deserve to experience life as a person of a healthy weight once and for all. I am ready to finally get to where I am supposed to be and stay there. However, until then I will do my best not to gain to much weight. I worked so hard to get that first hundred off, I don’t want to have to take it off all over again.
I will do everything that is required of me, and as with everything I do, I will do my very best. I am putting this in God’s hands. Meaning, if it is what is right for me, it will happen, and if not, it wont. At this point I have no expectations. I am simply taking the steps to see if it is right for me.
It’s such a long time since I have taken the time to write something. I have been busy exploring new topics to improve myself. I have recently started the book The Tapping Solution by Nick Ortner. I am excited at the possibilities. I have also been mentally preparing for a family gathering. Which is stressful in and of itself. That gathering was this past weekend. It was fun, but at the same time a bit nerve-racking.
Isn’t it funny how in some families there seems to be a prevalence toward judgment? I have always felt a bit inadequate and unworthy in the presence of my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all dearly, and I suppose if I am honest, I am probably the same. It’s hard to feel inferior amongst those that love you. I know that this inferiority stems from perceptions from childhood. I also know that with some exploration I have found that some events that I made out to be catastrophic as a young person, simply were not. After a more adult evaluation of the circumstances I see these situations for what they are, a part of life.
It is what it is! I know that as a child I allowed the opinions of other’s define me. I took on judgments and layered them over me as if they were my own. I allowed other people’s fears of their own self to become mine. If I only knew what I know now I would have loved myself enough to tell myself that it would be OK, that life is a series of lessons and this is just one of many. I would further explain that each and every lesson is a necessary ingredient in my journey.
As a young person I believed it when I was told that I needed to lose weight for someone to love me. I believed I was diseased and un-loveable. There was a time in my life when I remember walking down the street at about eleven or twelve years old thinking I was a martian but at the same time being thankful that I at least had good hair. Of course at the age of forty-six I know longer feel that way. Although it has been a slow work in progress it was worth every step.
I have had to learn where my fears and self-loathing came from in order to forgive the people who put them there. I had to become one with them and feel their own self-loathing and sadness that drove them to judge me. It also helped to grow spiritually which I did from learning from the best, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Louis Hay, Michael Singer, Don Miguel Ruiz and Eckhart Tolle to name just a few. These spiritual teachers taught me how to accept life for what it is and to change my thoughts to change my life. They all have been a blessing in the lesson of stillness. Through them I have learned to become still enough to allow my intuition to guide me. To trust in my inner-self, my soul, my inner voice of God.
One of my favorites is Eckhart Tolle. Listening to him speak is a meditation all on its own. Eckhart has spoken so many inspiring words that have resonated with my inner awareness. One of them being the time I heard him explain a passage from the bible where Jesus says “forgive them for they know not what they do”. Eckhartexplained it to mean that people operate from their own level of consciousness. The very unconscious know not what they do. The egoically driven person cannot possibly know what they do. They simply are one with their thoughts. They believe what the mind tells them without question. He describes this as a maddening of the mind.
I have been there. I get it!! At the time of my deep unconsciousness I had no idea that I was not only hurting myself but everyone around me. Thankfully a deep depression took over and allowed me to awaken and put a stop to it. I was blessed enough to suffer greatly, as suffering speeds up the awakening process. With this in mind how can I not be grateful for it? Without it I would still be living within the madness that was once my mind.